Saturday, May 30, 2009

Boyled over

Hot on the heels of Adam Lambert's shock defeat in the final of American Idol comes the news that Susan Boyle, she of a multi-million YouTube hits, has also failed to win the talent show that made her name. She was beaten in the final of Britain's Got Talent by a street dance group called Diversity, who now take away £100,000 (about $175,000) and the chance to perform at the Royal Variety Show in December.

I doubt whether this will be the end for Ms Boyle though, especially when one considers that the winners of shows like these often aren't the ones to go on and and have a meaningful career. Indeed, I saw Simon Cowell interviewed on Craig Ferguson's late night chat show this week, where he stated that he would be very interested in securing the movie rights to Susan Boyle's rise to fame, which would undoubtedly prove to be a very nice money spinner for both parties; in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Simon's already begun negotiations.

Which all leads to the question: who will play the part of Susan Boyle in such a movie, assuming that she doesn't play herself? As I've said before, I think that there's actually more than a passing resemblance between Simon and Susan, but I doubt whether Mr Cowell would be interested in taking the part as he wouldn't be able to wear any of his trademark skin-tight T-shirts.

So, who could it be? How about one of the following:



The Susan Boyle Story - what price on it being titled 'I Dreamed A Dream?' - coming soon to a cinema near you.

I can't wait.

Friday, May 29, 2009

For whom the Bell tolls

During my time in the North, as regular readers of this blog will know, I have partaken in many weird and wonderful foodstuffs, but today I sampled a delicacy that just about trumps the lot.

I am referring to the Taco Bell Bean Burrito.

Now, I do not normally frequent the shores of Lake Taco Bell, but with only loose change in my pocket I was taken in by their Bean Burrito's $1.29 price tag, and as a consequence the term 'false economy' now has a new clarity of meaning for me.


For a start, the picture above bore no resemblance to what I got for my 129 cents. It my not look appealing, but at least in that illustration there are four distinct layers: cheese, sour cream (maybe), some red sauce and....well, a brown gloop. My bean burrito consisted of just the brown gloop. Maybe there was cheese in it. Maybe there was sour cream in it. Maybe there was red sauce in it. Maybe there were even beans in it. Who knows? Whatever was in it though, it was certainly the ultimate in fast food as it seemed to have been thoughtfully pre-chewed for me.

However, I was really hungry and I had paid good money, so I went ahead and ate my gloopy, pre-masticated beanfeast, but I was more hungry after I finished it than I was when I started! I must have used up more energy in the effort of eating the damn thing than I actually got out of it, so at the end of the whole exercise I was not even back where I started, I was back at a point before I even thought about starting.

You know, maybe Michaelle Jean didn't eat that seal heart out of cultural solidarity with the Inuit after all. Maybe the only other item on the menu was a bean burrito...

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Grey day

It's rained all day, Manchester United have just lost the Champions League final and I have a hole in my sock.

I don't like Wednesdays any more.

Have a heart!

I read today that Michaelle Jean, Canada's Governor General, ate a raw seal heart when she visited a festival in Rankin Inlet, an Inuit community in Nunavut. Apparently, the EU voted to ban Canadian seal products recently, and an EU spokesman described the Governor General's actions as "too bizarre to acknowledge."

What a completely ignorant statement to make.

Mention seal hunting to most Europeans, and they will picture fluffy baby seals being clubbed over the head by unfeeling, profit seeking fishermen. Ask them what they think, and most will comment that such practices are inhumane and should be banned. Now, I must say that a few years ago I too would have been one of those Europeans, but living and working with the Inuit has changed my view on this issue.

The ability to hunt seal and other animals is what sustained the Inuit as a race for century upon century. Their meat and skins were absolutely vital for survival, and although all the trappings of the south are now readily available, the ability to hunt is still prized and cultivated amongst the people of the North. The notion of hunting is in the genes, and to use words such as 'bizarre' when talking about this subject is not just ignorant; it is insulting.



Whilst the encroachment of southern ways has brought many advantages to the North, the Inuit people have also been dealt many abuses, both psychologically and socially, as a result. Changes that took centuries to take hold in the south have been made in just a couple of generations in the North, so the maintenance of what is a strong cultural heritage should be encouraged. The eating of 'country food', as the Inuit refer to it, forms part of that heritage, and I count myself as fortunate to have first-hand experience, just as Michaelle Jean now has.

The motivation and methods of those that hunt seal for profit could, and perhaps should, be questioned. However, the hunting of seal in communities such as Rankin Inlet is of a completely different nature, and I would like to see that EU spokesman make a visit to the North so that in future his comments could be more informed. I doubt that will happen though; pigs will fly sooner.

Oh, but wait a minute - haven't we already had swine flu?

Did you see what I did there? 'Flu' sounds just like 'flew', and I was talking about pigs flying.....

Never mind.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Some impotent news

It was announced this week that Robert Furchgott, the scientist behind Viagra, has died at the age of 92.

Apparently many people thought he was already dead, as he'd been stiff for years.

That is all.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Adam Lambert for Queen?

American Idol reached its conclusion last night and to the surprise of many, including myself, the show was won by Kris Allen, a Jack Johnson-esque strummer with as much charisma as the cardboard box that would be collecting the coins thrown his way were he to be busking on the underground, which is where he really ought to be. No offence, as Simon would say, to young Mr Allen - he seems likeable enough and his looks will have undoubtedly garnered a great number of votes from the female members of the audience (and some males too, no doubt) - but I really can't see him being heard of in six months time, let alone a year, as he simply brings absolutely nothing fresh or vibrant to the table.

Now, the contestant he defeated, Adam Lambert, is a totally different kettle of fish. Yes he's over the top, but at least he's entertaining and boy, can he sing!!!! Last night on the show he sung with Kiss, and when both he and Kris later sang with Queen (well, what's left of Queen), a thought struck me. Brian May and Roger Taylor seem to want to go on playing under the Queen moniker, and after employing former Free and Bad Company frontman Paul Rodgers for a few years, they are now in need of a new vocalist following Rodgers' decision to step down a few weeks ago.



So, here's a theory. What price Adam Lambert fronting up Queen when they next hit the road? He most certainly has the musical chops, he has the image and, it would seem, he is even of the correct sexual persuasion. Had he been crowned the winner of American Idol then such a move would be impossible due to the contractual constraints imposed on the victor, but now he's somewhat more free to explore different avenues.

Let's watch this one closely, and if it happens, remember that you heard it here first!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Bowled over

At my time of life, you are faced with a decision. Do you attempt to cling to your youth and try to remain at the cutting edge, or do you embrace your growing seniority and prepare for a more sedate future?

I faced that decision head on this week.

My answer?

I've taken up lawn bowls.

In all honesty, it's something I've fancied having a go at since my childhood, so maybe I've just been old from the word go. Ever since my grandad used to take me to Poole Park to watch the bowlers I've had something of a fascination with the game, and an open day at Kingston Lawn Bowls Club this Sunday gave me the chance to indulge myself.

The ad I heard on the radio proclaimed that there would be free pancakes and coffee (they had me at 'free') and this, coupled with the fact that I was referred to as 'youngster' for most of the day, made it a winning experience from the start.



I had a splendid day in the company of Cliff, Ruby, Loretta, Bill, Walter and all the others and, if I say so myself, I'm actually a bit of a natural at the game. My very first bowl curved sedately in from the right and came to rest nestling adjacent to the jack, and although I wasn't able to repeat such success with every bowl thereafter, I did well enough to warrant another visit to the club on Monday when I continued my education on the green.

I think I'm going to keep playing as the summer progresses, and although it's perfectly fine to borrow a set of bowls each time I play, I might have to think of investing in my own if I get really serious. They can cost anything from $250 upwards but, with a comment that was as encouraging as it was sadly realistic, one of the members told me that second hand sets come up on the market quite regularly over the course of a year.

I shall keep you informed as to my progress as the summer moves on, but I have to go now as the nice young man from Meals On Wheels is at the door. Cheery-bye!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

To boldly go...

Three days after my last post and I'm just about over my cold, so I guess the swines didn't get me. I was well enough to take the car in for servicing on Friday, and whilst driving is definitely one thing that I miss when I'm in the North, I could do with out having to pay excessively for the privilege. All four tires (that's how we spell it in Canada) needed replacing as well, but seeing as they resembled the automotive equivalent of Jean-Luc Picard, they had to 'baldly' go.

Talking of Star Trek (nice segue, eh?), I saw the new film today, and I must say that I left the cinema with mixed feelings. As a standalone piece of science-fiction movie making it was highly acceptable, but as a chapter in the existing Trek canon, it simply didn't cut it for me. Whilst there were some nice references to the original series - "I'm a doctor Jim, not a physicist!", "I'm giving you all she's got captain!" and even the inevitable death of a red shirted security guard - there were simply too many anomalies for the film to fit in the established Trek timeline. Without wishing to give too much away, this is (kind of) explained during the film, but for me there is a kind of Da Vinci Code feeling about it all; most friends who had read Dan Brown's book didn't care too much for the film whereas people like me, who hadn't read it, really liked the movie version. In the case of Star Trek, substitute original series for the book and you get the idea.



Whatever my personal feelings about Star Trek though, I think the franchise will be boldly going in its new form for a few years yet, in spite of the fact that the bridge of the Enterprise now looks like an intergalactic branch of the Apple store. Director JJ Abrams has taken his own Kobayashi Maru test and just about passed it by applying his own form of original thinking, and a (star)fleet of sequels is now a certainty.

Take us away Mr Sulu, warp factor three...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The final curtain (part two)

The remainder of my journey from Montreal to Kingston was 'interesting'. Firstly, the flight goes via Toronto which, if you know your Canadian geography, is somewhat convoluted in itself. Getting to Toronto was fine, but we were then held up for an hour or so by a rather spectacular thunderstorm which deposited so much hail on the ground that it looked like we were back in the frozen North once again.

Eventually the flight left though, and I have to say that I have never been on a smaller plane than this one. There were just 18 seats, nine on each side, and there wasn't even a door to the cockpit. The pilots merely drew a curtain across during take-off and landing, and let us watch them at work during the rest of the flight. Quite what they were doing during take-off and landing that we weren't allowed to see I just don't know, but as long as it didn't involve reading the first and last chapters of Flying For Dummies, then I don't really care.



After a flight that I will simply describe as 'turbulent,' it was a relief to make it back to solid ground, and I now have a little insight as to why the Pope always kisses the ground after his plane lands. Mind you, he does have a direct line to the man upstairs if his flight ever gets into trouble, so I don't really know why he's always so relieved. Maybe God intended to take his pilot's exam on the seventh day, but was just too tired after the hard week he'd had.

But I digest.

The rest of my week has revolved mainly around sleep, paperwork and Tim Horton's, although today I did spend the day at the school in Kingston where I used to teach, Maplecrest-Sempar, which enabled me to catch up with a few old friends as well as develop a lovely head cold as a result of a day's exposure to the grass and pollen which simply doesn't exist in the North. At least I think it's just a cold...

Little has changed on the job front since I last wrote, but I am hopeful of a resolution in the next couple of weeks, so watch this space for details. In the meantime I am now settling in to my new role as man of leisure, although I have to say that part of me does miss my life in a Northern town. I guess I ought to rename the blog now that I'm back home, but I suppose Canada is still pretty northern wherever you are within its borders, so I'll keep it as it is for the time being. I intend to keep the blog going over the summer, although how often I post I can't say yet; depends what shenanigans I get up to, I suppose. Keep checking in though, otherwise I shall get lonely.

Until next time...

Monday, May 11, 2009

The final curtain (part one)

As I write I’m sitting outside Tim Horton’s at Montreal’s Trudeau Airport, it's 10.30 on Friday night and I'm waiting for the flight that will form the final leg of my journey home tomorrow morning. As predicted, it was a hectic last week in Inukjuak – a contributing factor towards the lack of posts in that time – and it was a week that maybe ended one chapter but perhaps began another.

It was with mixed emotions that I hosted our graduation ceremony on Thursday. It was the fifth time that I’ve acted as host, thus making me something like the Bob Hope or the Billy Crystal of the North, and whilst a lot of effort goes into organising the event, it is always gratifying when, eventually, the day runs relatively smoothly. Proceedings were delayed this time around as we had to wake up one of the graduates who’d fallen asleep after a large lunch, but other than that the afternoon ran pretty well.


On a personal level, the most gratifying moment of the day came when I was approached by two women (you both know who you are!) at the graduation meal in the evening. Both parties clearly knew who I was, but there they had the advantage as I couldn’t place them at all. However, all was then revealed as they both explained that before coming North to work, they had discovered the blog during their research and, much to my delight, had still decided to come! It was quite a novel experience to meet one’s ‘public,’ and it just goes to prove that, despite whatever isolation one may feel, we really do inhabit a small world.


Now I'm back, I have once again been reminded of some of the many differences between the North and the South. Cellphones are prevalent once more. I was just able to buy a beer at a bar. All the people that I am now surrounded by all seem to be in such a hurry. And I have even seen a number of people wearing masks, no doubt trying to protect themselves from the swine flu despite the fact that they are more likely to die in the twisted wreckage of the plane that they’ve just flown on or are about to catch. I have a compelling urge to run up to them and cough in their face whilst performing the Mexican Hat Dance. Come on, people!


Anyway, porcine-induced death permitting, I shall be home within the next twelve hours and free to contemplate both what has been and what is to come. A chef friend of mine once said that ‘in the kitchen, there are always possibilities’; at the moment, life is my kitchen.

Monday, May 4, 2009

And now the end is near...

This could be my last week in the North.

It is almost certainly my last week in Inukjuak.

As I have mentioned before, our school year ends this Friday, and I am still none the wiser as to my future employment prospects. I've worked for three years in Inukjuak now, and since moving out to Canada in 2005 this small town is where I've spent most of my time. Consequently, I've become somewhat attached to the place - its people, its routines, even its weather - and I have very mixed feelings about the possibility of having to say goodbye.



I think that most of us are, deep down, creatures of habit, and the prospect of having to break the habits I have spent three years developing is not one that I'm looking forward to, if I'm honest. After such a period of time in a small community one is able to find a place, a niche if you like, both in a professional and a personal sense, and although there are many problems and inconveniences that have to to be surmounted, you can't put a price on that sense of 'worth.'

In the meantime, I continue to (put off) packing my boxes and to tie up what loose ends I can. There are many goodbyes that have to be made this week, an onerous task at the best of times, and one that is made all the more problematic by the fact that I might be saying 'hello' again in September. It's a bit like when you bump into someone you haven't seen for ages whilst you're out shopping; after you've spent time catching up you then bid your fond farewells, only to run into them again two minutes later in the next aisle, causing you to go through the whole awkward process all over again.

So, whether Friday will indeed prove to be the final curtain, or whether there will be a Sinatra-esque comeback to be made, only time will tell. What is for sure though is that I now have only four days left to pack, so I really ought to make a start...

Friday, May 1, 2009

Grinding to a halt

It's been a frustrating (but swine flu free) week.

Our internet connection has been doing its best impression of the stock market over the last ten days or so -it's been down more than it's been up - but at least the connection we have here at school at seems to be working today. One problem has been the fact that there has been a big update for Windows issued recently (around 300MB), and whilst that is water of a duck's back for those of you in the South, for us here it can clog the system faster than a Big Mac can clog your arteries if everybody has 'automatic updates' switched to on.

I think I will be returning my modem to Tamaani shortly as I don't want to pay for the whole of May when I'm only here for another week, so postings may continue to be intermittent, but I shall do my best to occupy my students so that I can maximise my time online during school hours (hope my employers aren't reading this!).

Speaking of leaving (which we sort of were in the last paragraph), I will be on my flight home this time next week, so the next seven days involve packing boxes, tying up loose ends and preparing for our graduation ceremony, which is next Thursday. At the time of writing, I have no idea whether I'll be returning here next year; it looks like my course might be moved to Kangirsujuaq, an even more Northern town, but nothing has been confirmed yet. When I have news I'll pass it on to you, but don't hold your breath!

If you do hold your breath though, at least you won't catch swine flu. You'll die of hypoxia, but the swine flu won't get you.

CNN would be proud.

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