Standing on ceremony

It can't have escaped your notice, especially if you live in this part of the world, that there's an Olympic Games on - the Olympic Winter Games, to be exact; it always used to be the plain old Winter Olympics when I was growing up, but there seems to have been a law passed without my knowledge that the word Olympic now has to come first.

The Winter Olympics - sorry, Olympic Winter Games - have never had that high a profile in the UK, save for Torvill and Dean and Eddie the Eagle (I've met him, by the way), but now I'm living in Canada I feel I ought to make the effort to get more involved, at least as a spectator. Yesterday's opening ceremony was overshadowed by the tragic death of Georgian Nodar Kumaritashvili - I was quite shocked that his horrific luge accident was shown ad nauseam on the news over here, initially without prior warning of the distressing nature of the footage - but the Games had to go on, and Vancouver would get its chance to showcase Canada before the rest of the world with a well organized, sleek and to-the-point opening ceremony.

Didn't quite work out like that though, did it?

The evening got off to a shambolic start when the late arrival of the four first nations chiefs left the half-empty VIP box in disarray - the chairs were still being rearranged as Michaelle Jean made her entrance - and Nikki Yanofsky then proceeded to assault the national anthem with a performance that was more a celebration of her and her record company than the country to whom the anthem belongs; had Simon Cowell been in attendance, I'm sure the word 'indulgent' would have been used at least once. Ms Yanofsky is undoubtedly a supremely talented young girl but I'm sorry, you don't mess with your country's national anthem on a stage like this.

The parade of athletes was as enjoyable as ever (it's always fun to rank the uniforms of the various nations; way to go Czech Republic, by the way!), but we were then treated to the 'cultural component' of the evening, which didn't half drag. There were some highlights, don't get me wrong - I liked the giant white bear, the big guy who read the poem, the spouting whales and KD Lang's rendition of Hallelujah - but the whole thing seemed unnecessarily long. I do hope London has the courage to deliver a streamlined ceremony in 2012: anthem, parade, quick song from Status Quo, oaths and Queenie cutting a red ribbon to let the Games begin.

Back to Vancouver though, for the best was yet to come. After the diva with the mad hair and the cat up her dress had finished breaking most of the glass in the stadium with her interpretation of the Olympic Hymn, we finally got to the lighting of the Olympic flame, the moment that should have been the crowning glory of the evening and Vancouver's chance to plant an indelible, iconic image into the collective mind of the watching world.

Umm, yeah...about that...

The hydraulic system that was meant to raise the the ceremonial cauldron failed, halting the ceremony and leaving one of the official torch bearers unable to carry out his duty as his part of the apparatus had failed to emerge from beneath the stadium floor, and then Wayne Gretzky had to leave the stadium and take a ten minute drive through town in the pouring rain so that he could light the 'official' flame down on Vancouver's waterfront. The temptation to stop for a Tims on the way must have been immense.

Three and a half hours after it had started the ceremony was finally over, and the Games could now begin, Vancouver weather permitting of course. Hopefully there will be plenty of golden moments for Canada over the next couple of weeks (and, who knows, maybe for Team GB too), but I think the first medals of the Games should go to all those who managed to sit through the opening ceremony without losing consciousness. Go on London, do the right thing...

For whom the Bell tolls

During my time in the North, as regular readers of this blog will know, I have partaken in many weird and wonderful foodstuffs, but today I sampled a delicacy that just about trumps the lot.

I am referring to the Taco Bell Bean Burrito.

Now, I do not normally frequent the shores of Lake Taco Bell, but with only loose change in my pocket I was taken in by their Bean Burrito's $1.29 price tag, and as a consequence the term 'false economy' now has a new clarity of meaning for me.

For a start, the picture above bore no resemblance to what I got for my 129 cents. It my not look appealing, but at least in that illustration there are four distinct layers: cheese, sour cream (maybe), some red sauce and....well, a brown gloop. My bean burrito consisted of just the brown gloop. Maybe there was cheese in it. Maybe there was sour cream in it. Maybe there was red sauce in it. Maybe there were even beans in it. Who knows? Whatever was in it though, it was certainly the ultimate in fast food as it seemed to have been thoughtfully pre-chewed for me.

However, I was really hungry and I had paid good money, so I went ahead and ate my gloopy, pre-masticated beanfeast, but I was more hungry after I finished it than I was when I started! I must have used up more energy in the effort of eating the damn thing than I actually got out of it, so at the end of the whole exercise I was not even back where I started, I was back at a point before I even thought about starting.

You know, maybe Michaelle Jean didn't eat that seal heart out of cultural solidarity with the Inuit after all. Maybe the only other item on the menu was a bean burrito...

Have a heart!

I read today that Michaelle Jean, Canada's Governor General, ate a raw seal heart when she visited a festival in Rankin Inlet, an Inuit community in Nunavut. Apparently, the EU voted to ban Canadian seal products recently, and an EU spokesman described the Governor General's actions as "too bizarre to acknowledge."

What a completely ignorant statement to make.

Mention seal hunting to most Europeans, and they will picture fluffy baby seals being clubbed over the head by unfeeling, profit seeking fishermen. Ask them what they think, and most will comment that such practices are inhumane and should be banned. Now, I must say that a few years ago I too would have been one of those Europeans, but living and working with the Inuit has changed my view on this issue.

The ability to hunt seal and other animals is what sustained the Inuit as a race for century upon century. Their meat and skins were absolutely vital for survival, and although all the trappings of the south are now readily available, the ability to hunt is still prized and cultivated amongst the people of the North. The notion of hunting is in the genes, and to use words such as 'bizarre' when talking about this subject is not just ignorant; it is insulting.

Whilst the encroachment of southern ways has brought many advantages to the North, the Inuit people have also been dealt many abuses, both psychologically and socially, as a result. Changes that took centuries to take hold in the south have been made in just a couple of generations in the North, so the maintenance of what is a strong cultural heritage should be encouraged. The eating of 'country food', as the Inuit refer to it, forms part of that heritage, and I count myself as fortunate to have first-hand experience, just as Michaelle Jean now has.

The motivation and methods of those that hunt seal for profit could, and perhaps should, be questioned. However, the hunting of seal in communities such as Rankin Inlet is of a completely different nature, and I would like to see that EU spokesman make a visit to the North so that in future his comments could be more informed. I doubt that will happen though; pigs will fly sooner.

Oh, but wait a minute - haven't we already had swine flu?

Did you see what I did there? 'Flu' sounds just like 'flew', and I was talking about pigs flying.....

Never mind.