A breach of elf and safety?

It's snowing as I write (surprise, surprise!), and it's -25°C outside. Looking out the window, I've just seen the same woman walk past for the third time, a bit like when you watch a chase scene in an old Tom & Jerry or Scooby Doo cartoon and the same piece of background keeps coming around and around again. If she passes by for a fourth time, I shall be on the lookout for Shaggy and Scoobs.

But I digest.

The real reason I put virtual pen to virtual paper today is to share with you news of the demise of one of the UK's 'finest' theme parks. Lapland New Forest, situated on the Hampshire-Dorset border in the south of England, has recently been forced to close its doors due to the fact that it didn't really deliver what it promised. Its advertisement depicted a snow-covered Lapland village with Hollywood special effects, a Nativity scene and a bustling Christmas market with an ice rink, but when the public - who had to pay up to £30 (about $55) for a ticket - arrived, the ice rink was broken, the huskies and reindeer were chained up in pens, the market was four stalls in a tent and the Nativity scene was a picture on a painted wall that could only be viewed after crossing a muddy field.

As the complaints flooded in, the Park's owner, Henry Mears, stated that "six of our staff - three elves and three security - have been assaulted and all have been verbally abused," and to cap it all Santa, who at one stage was found sneaking a quick cigarette outside his grotto, was punched in the head by an irate father who'd had to queue up for over four hours only to be told that he couldn't take a picture of his children and that they weren't allowed to sit on Santa's lap. Oh, and they'd have to get in another queue to get their presents.

I think that the lesson to be learned here is that theme parks should be left to the Americans, as they simply do them so much better, much in the way they excel at opening ceremonies at major sporting events, building cars that no-one wants and destroying the world's economy.

Pass the eggnog.